By Rafil Kroll-Zaidi
Researchers identified genes responsible for the smallness of pygmies, congenital spleenlessness, the blond hair of Melanesians, a 2.6-point increase in IQ (if both parents are carriers), and the similarities between the luminescent bellies of smalleye pygmy sharks and those of velvet-belly lantern sharks. A chemist unveiled shark-repellent fish hooks whose rare-earth coatings irritate the ampullae of Lorenzini. An excited beauty baryon was observed for the first time, and Oklahoma scientists were uncertain whether bacon with a green sheen is unhealthful. Vanilla yogurt gives mice glossier coats and larger testicles. Zoologists mapped the syntax of the rock hyrax. The orangutan contains multiples of Alu. Scientists who found silicone breast-implant failure rates to be as high as sixteen times the previously suspected levels proposed widespread explanting. Entomologists comparing Brazilian and Thai zombie-ant graveyards determined that an unknown fungus was thwarting the spread of the ant-zombifying fungus. A Government Accountability Office study deemed ineffective a Pentagon study on the efficacy of Pentagon studies.